Are You There for Me? Understanding A.R.E. in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

In relationships, we all ask—sometimes with words, often without—Are you there for me? Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a leading approach to couples therapy, answers this question with a powerful framework: A.R.E.

A.R.E. stands for:

• Accessible

• Responsive

• Engaged

These three elements form the foundation of a secure emotional bond between partners. Let’s explore what they mean, why they matter, and how you can begin practicing them in your own relationship.

1. Accessible: Can I Reach You?

Being accessible means your partner feels they can emotionally reach you. You're open, present, and willing to be approached. You don’t have to have all the answers—but you do need to be emotionally available.

🔹 Example: When your partner wants to talk or share something vulnerable, you pause, make eye contact, and listen with curiosity instead of defensiveness.

Try this: Notice when your partner is reaching out—whether with a glance, a sigh, or a question—and make space to connect.

2. Responsive: Will You Be There When I Need You?

Responsiveness is about tuning in and showing your partner that their emotional needs matter to you. It’s how we communicate: “You’re important, and I care about how you feel.”

🔹 Example: When your partner says they’re feeling overwhelmed, instead of minimizing it or fixing it, you say: “That sounds really hard. I’m here with you.”

Try this: Practice validating your partner’s emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them. Just showing up with empathy goes a long way.

3. Engaged: Do I Matter to You?

Engagement is about being emotionally involved—not just physically present. It means you’re invested, connected, and truly with your partner during moments of closeness or challenge.

🔹 Example: You make an effort to check in during the day, share thoughts, or create rituals of connection like a daily walk or a bedtime conversation.

Try this: Ask yourself, “Am I showing up emotionally in this moment?” and take small steps to be more mentally and emotionally present.

Why A.R.E. Matters

When both partners can say, “Yes, my partner is Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged,” the relationship becomes a safe haven—one where trust, intimacy, and emotional safety grow.

Couples stuck in negative patterns often aren't lacking love—they're missing secure connection. By learning how to show up with A.R.E. in mind, couples can begin to break cycles of disconnection and strengthen their bond.

Building A.R.E. in Your Relationship

You don’t have to be perfect—just willing to grow. Relationships thrive when we move from reactivity to responsiveness, from shutdown to presence.

✨ Start small:

• Pause before reacting

• Turn toward bids for connection

• Ask gentle questions like: “What do you need from me right now?”

Therapy can be a powerful space to practice A.R.E., repair trust, and reconnect with the one you love.

Final Thoughts

The question “Are you there for me?” is at the heart of every intimate relationship.With A.R.E. as your guide, you can start building a relationship rooted in emotional safety, mutual care, and lasting connection.

If you and your partner are struggling to feel close or caught in painful cycles, you don’t have to do it alone. I help couples rebuild emotional connection through evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method.

📞 Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation to see if couples therapy is the next right step for your relationship.